That's Rape

January 8, 2009

By Dan Savage

I'm an 18-year-old straight female. Two nights ago, I went to a party. My ex-boyfriend was present, but my current boyfriend was not. I had several beers, and while I wasn't drunk, I was tipsy. I had to go to my car to get my cell phone, and my ex offered to accompany me. When we got to the car, he pushed me against the car and started making out with me. I tried to push him away and said, "No, I can't" several times. He kept trying to pull my pants down, and every time he did, I pulled them back up. He took his dick out and tried again to pull down my pants. I know it sounds stupid, but all I could get out were meek "nos" and "I can'ts." I was afraid of a confrontation because he and I have been friendly since we broke up. I eventually discontinued my attempts to pull my pants back up because I figured the easiest way to get out of this situation was to let him finish. He had sex with me. I wanted to cry the whole time, but as much as I wanted to scream, "Stop! Get the fuck off of me!" I couldn't get the words out.

I called my boyfriend when I got home and told him what happened. He is angry because he thinks I had a part in it. I don't know how to make him understand how many times I said no and how at first I physically stopped my ex from taking my clothes off. My boyfriend and I have been through a lot together, and we talked about getting married one day. I never wanted to cheat on him, and while I feel guilty about what happened, I think he's being harsh on me considering I succumbed to force.

I've apologized again and again, but I don't know how to make things right. I still don't want a confrontation with the ex. I just want to forget about him and never see him or speak to him again. I just want things to be okay again with my boyfriend. Is there anything I can do or say to make him understand?

Date Rape Engenders Awful Depression

Understand that you were raped, DREAD—date-ish raped, acquaintance-ish raped, gray-area-ish raped, blurry-booze-soaked-lines raped, and raped under circumstances that would make bringing charges a futile exercise. But raped. Your ex kept coming at you, and you were paralyzed by a set of inhibitions—a desire to avoid confrontation at all costs (even the cost of your own violation), a desire to avoid making your victimizer feel bad—that are pounded into the heads of girls and young women. Your ex exploited this vulnerability. Your ex may not think he raped you since you finally "let him," and perhaps he interprets that as consent and so, distressingly, does your boyfriend. But raped you were.

So what do you do now? I'd suggest a bit more contact with your ex. You need to confront him—for your own sake, DREAD, but also for the sake of all other women he's going to encounter over the course of his life. If you can't face him, call him. If you can't speak to him, write him (a letter, not an e-mail). Wherever he is right now, he's rationalizing away his responsibility for what happened. He may be telling himself that he was drunk, that you were drunk, and that, sure, he may have been aggressive at first, but that you came around and enjoyed it as much as he did. He needs to hear from you that you regard—and, for what it's worth, I regard—what happened as rape. Tell him that he didn't get away with it—that he raped you, you know it, and now he knows it. Then tell him that if the circumstances were just a little less ambiguous, DREAD, that you would be going to the police.

Hell, tell him you still might. Put the fear of God into him.

Then you need to confront the boyfriend: If your boyfriend can't take your side, DREAD, if he can't see what really happened here, if he insists on victimizing you, too, then you don't need him in your life any more than you need your ex in your life.

I'm a 23-year-old gay dude from Vancouver. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. Thing is, he's seriously letting himself go—gaining weight, enjoying roomier pants. I drop hints about working out or eating better—but he gets offended and becomes self-conscious. I want to be supportive and not care, but I do care and it's killing me. Had I known at 19 that he would be throwing away his hot body, I might have reconsidered his LTR potential. Now, four years later, I'm stuck with a lovable fatty who I'm having a hard time being intimate with.

Is this awful? Am I selfish? I love him, but I want to enjoy sex again. I have NOTHING against fatties, Dan, I just don't want to bed one.

Really Eating At Me

Drop the subtlety, REAM. No more faux-loving hints about the importance of diet and exercise—he reacts negatively to that shit because he's picking up on your dishonesty. You're not concerned for his health, REAM, you're concerned for your sex life and what the death of your attraction to him means for this relationship. So give it to him straight: You're not attracted to fatties, which is why you pursued him four years ago, and his weight gain is killing your sex life and threatening the survival of your relationship. If he values this relationship, he'll get his ass off the couch.

And now a note to the infuriated fatsophere: I'm not saying that REAM's boyfriend is unattractive because he's heavier, or that heavy people aren't or can't be attractive, or that we all must forever maintain our "first-date weight" over the multidecade course of relationship/marriage/whatever. But to destroy a large part of what attracted someone to you early in a relationship—whether actively or through neglect—is to take your partner for granted in a way that's not okay. And that goes for a tight-bodied fag who parks his ass on the couch because he's got a boyfriend now—so, hey, why bother with the gym?—and the BBW who wastes away to skin and bones after she lands an admirer.

A close gay friend recently seroconverted after months of barebacking and meth use. He's a successful professional with years of AIDS peer-education experience. My immediate reaction was shock and anger. He claims that I am not a true friend because I should hide my feelings and shower him with empathy and understanding. Is there something wrong with me for feeling mad at my friend for his irresponsibility?

Old Fashioned Safe Sex Adherent

Let's say you've got two friends. One gets hit by lightning, and the other plops his sopping-wet ass down on a third rail. Do both friends—presuming both survive—deserve your empathy and understanding, OFSSA? Of course. But one friend was electrocuted while the other electrocuted his damn self. Friendship does not obligate you to pretend that your friend who sat his ass down on the third rail wasn't being idiotic and self-destructive. Friendship, in fact, requires the opposite reaction. recommended

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Showing 10 of 277 comments. Read all comments.

I had a friend who raped a girl in a very similar fashion to the bastard in the first letter. If it's any consolation, DREAD, even if the prosecution was eventually dropped, once we heard about it we shunned him like he had his ears clipped, his face branded and there was an 'A' on his shirt.

His friends at the party wondered where he went and why he was gone so long. Your friends probably wondered the same thing. There's a story there and if he isn't charged, he should at least be shamed.

Also, that sort of passive-aggressive rape-but-hey-not-really-okay-its-really-rape shit is a sign of a really, really weak person. A gonzo fuckball would just rape you, not try and con and wheedle you into it. Inside he's soft like mush and I guarantee you can get away with slugging him full in the face the next time you see him.
Posted by rey raton on January 6, 2009 at 3:24 PM
SECONDED on the slugging. How bout a good knee to the jewels!!? ...Not that any rapist's testicles could be considered anything better than dogshit.
Posted by Erin on January 6, 2009 at 3:30 PM
I love you Dan, but I think the words "police" or "cops" or "beat the motherfer to death" were not nearly as close to the top of the first response as needed.

Posted by Auel on January 6, 2009 at 3:33 PM
If I were the current boyfriend I'd probably react the same way...what, do you let anyone fuck you because they want to? So, anyone who you've ever slept with in the past can just claim you whenever they want? I suggest that the current Boyfriend move on and find someone who is faithful.
Posted by Psilly Cybin on January 6, 2009 at 3:35 PM
In Bee movie, which sucked, there was a funny exchange about whether to attend the funeral of another bee that had stung a squirrel...one bee reminded the other "everyone knows that if you sting you die, you don't waste it on a squirrel"

Sorry, I feel the same way about unsafe sexual practices.
Posted by Psilly Cybin on January 6, 2009 at 3:39 PM
I'd also say tell the cops. Yeah, even if it never goes anywhere, get it on the records, get him fingerprinted and mug shot, let him feel like shit. And if it's on record, then if he rapes again in the future, he'll be more likely to see real jail time too.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on January 6, 2009 at 3:53 PM
If I was DREAD's boyfriend, I'd feel torn to pieces that I wasn't able to protect her from being raped by her ex. Avoidance of that guilt could be subconsciously motivating him to blame her, instead. So, when DREAD confronts her boyfriend, she may want to throw that on the table -- sort of a "You know, nobody blames you that you couldn't be there at that moment. I don't blame you, it's not your fault. Just like it isn't mine. Just so you know." And/or "You need to separate out whatever it is that is blocking you from understanding that this really happened, and was really rape, so that you can do the right thing and support me now."
Posted by chivalrous on January 6, 2009 at 4:09 PM
psilly, girls cant stop guys from raping them. She didnt let him. He overpowered her when she was more vulnerable than usual. No matter how many years of martial arts a girl can take, any fat fuck off the street can still out muscle her and rape her. You're a bastard for being so thoughtless that you cant understand that. Fuck you.
Posted by gator765 on January 6, 2009 at 4:30 PM
Dread, hell yes there's something you can say to your current boyfriend, i.e. "Listen, you stupid bastard, I was fucking RAPED, I'm hurting, and for you to blame me and make me feel worse about myself is unacceptable. I never want to see your ugly ass again. GO FUCK YOURSELF, DICKSMACK!"

Then go to a therapist, and figure out why you have so little respect for yourself that you'd have been with one guy who ended up date raping you, not fight back while he's doing it, and then beg forgiveness from another who blames you for GETTING RAPED.
Posted by ferretrick on January 6, 2009 at 4:35 PM
She was kind of asking for it though wasn't she?
Posted by mrclean on January 6, 2009 at 4:41 PM

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