Back in 1994 or so, my friends and I were just a little too old for R.L. Stine's Goosebumps. That fact—coinciding with our discovery of irony about five seconds earlier—made the mass-produced children's horror series (62 books in total) literally the funniest thing we had ever encountered. Ever. We'd buy them for each other sarcastically, read them aloud sarcastically, sarcastically annotate them with hilarious footnotes and corrections. And you know what? We were totally right. Goosebumps IS literally the funniest shit ever. I mean, the titles alone: Say Cheese and Die!, Night of the Living Dummy, Piano Lessons Can Be Murder, Say Cheese and Die—Again! Amazing.

The other day, I received a DVD screener with the magnificently Stine-ian title Mostly Ghostly: Who Let the Ghosts Out? The terrible rhyme, the timely reference to 1998's most annoying song, the complete nonsense... this was clearly the work of Stine.

Even better, Mostly Ghostly: Who Let the Ghosts Out? also features more than one of my OTHER favorite things to make fun of: people who are famous for no reason; very, very low production values; and nerds. It's the story of Max, an awkward 11-year-old magic enthusiast. His dad, John (David DeLuise, son of Dom DeLuise—you can tell by his gigantic pumpkin-head!) just wants him to play sports and be masculine. Max is bullied both by his older brother and some other kid who looks exactly like his older brother and painfully ignored by the campus hottie, Traci (Ali Lohan, sister of Lindsay Lohan—you can tell by her gigantic coke-nostril! Allegedly!).

Max comes into possession of a special magic chant that has the power to imprison all the world's ghosts in a totally lame otherworldly cavern where there's nothing to do but mill about for all eternity. Sweet. But pretty soon an evil ghoul named Phears comes out of the wall and tells Max that he will fucking kill his family if he doesn't leave ghosts alone. Sometimes, you see, cackling goblins come out of Phears's armpits and perform dirty tricks. Then a couple of stupid child-ghosts show up. "Where are our paaaaaarents?!" they wail. Then they help Max get into Ali Lohan's pants.

MG: WLTGO (available on DVD Sept-ember 30) is sure to entertain no one. Ghosts will find it offensive. Actual sorcerers should be insulted. Ali Lohan fans do not exist. And even the most culturally bankrupt children (you know who you are!) have higher standards than this. All of which, like I said, makes MG: WLTGO the funniest shit ever. Stine, I hope you're getting to work on your next masterpiece, Mostly Ghostly: Who Let the Ghosts Out—Again?! recommended